when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
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he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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