How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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