he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
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He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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