theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
