R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
