Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize