im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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