a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
