if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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