Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
