mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize