I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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