well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
