He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
