Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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