the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
