Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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