listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Michael Bay diarrhea
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
