we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
