And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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