I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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