i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
