Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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