just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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