i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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