Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
