Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
