i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
