i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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