I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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