Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
