Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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