So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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