People with herpes should wear stickers.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
