alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
