Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
