Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Jerry, you need to find god
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
