Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
