i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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