We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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