so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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