I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
