My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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