I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Acid is not a monday night drug
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
