a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
