Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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