Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
