sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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