im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
