Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How does it feel to date your dad?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
