textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
