im having a threesome with these popsicles
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
