Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
